Ms. Cody, I Don’t Think They Get It!

Recently, I saw Diablo Cody’s Jennifer’s Body, starring Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried. This movie was fantastic!!! (3 exclamation points means it’s good.) All of my male friends enjoyed the movie, the story, the actresses/actors and the nostalgia of my high school days. Well done, Ms. Cody, you have a new dedicated fan. (Do you give script writing lessons?)

I would like to begin by saying, if you are going into this movie thinking it’s a horror, your wrong. The most closely thing I can compare it to is a very dark satire set in a horror-y movie. (No, the movie is not very scary.) The only thing scary about it is how closely it resembles modern female relationships. No, not the lesbian kind, I’m talking about the friendship relationships.

Jennifer’s Body is a movie that screams to be watched by young women and men, generally high school students. It screams to the nerd crowd to learn to stand up for themselves, to recognize a volatile situation and diffuse it before it gets away from them. It screams for young women to learn what a real friend is versus one that controls the relationship.

The movie follows the flawed relationship between Needy (Seyfried) and Jennifer (Fox). These “best” friends are controlled by Jennifer and after a night of fun and terror at a bar, Needy begins to realize that Jennifer is not all that good for her. She has transformed into a blood-drinking Succubus. (Yes, I know fellow geeks, Succubi do not drink blood, but eat the essence of men, but I think we can let that pass.) Once Needy realizes what Jennifer has become she sets a course to stop the demon and free the town of Devil’s Kettle from the terror that is her “best” friend Jennifer.

Again, this is NOT a HORROR movie. Though it may sound like one, it is not. The only thing scary is the truth that this movie portrays. This relationship that, I’m sure, many women share is something that is hard for men to understand. I do not think that women connect like this with men. I believe this is the reason that many of my female friends tell me that they have more guy friends than girl friends. I think that this movie communicates the intricacies of female relationships much better than Mean Girls and without having to beat you over the head to do it. (Amanda Seyfried is also in Mean Girls. I didn’t realize that, till halfway through Jennifer’s Body.)

I believe that the reason for this is that men do not become jealous of one another in the same way. I know that I am often jealous of my friend’s jobs, cars and girlfriends, but instead of trying to steal them, I would rather “one-up” them. I will fully admit that I have tried to prove that I am better than my friends by getting a better paying job, by trying to find a more desireable girlfriend and getting a nicer car. It’s more of a competition to be better than my friends than steal something from them. But, who is to say what’s better. Male friendships can be equally as harmful and problematic.

I highly recommend this movie. Interestingly, I have been trying to explain this movie to my friends and co-workers and even the women don’t seem to be getting it. I hope that I am not looking at it incorrectly. Jennifer’s Body speaks to me as an avid people watcher and a lover of movies like Army of Darkness. This is a movie I look forward to the DVD release of. I am giving Jennifer’s Body a 9 out of 10. I loved the wit, the humor, the dialogue and the story. The only thing I would have liked to see more of is a stronger relationship between “Needy” and her boyfriend Chip, but it really wasn’t needed.

**DISCLAIMER: NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT, THE STUPID AND BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO GET ARRESTED.**

Yesterday, a woman entered the Physical Therapy Office where I work, part-time. Her stride was that of a strong, confident woman looking for some answers. She stood with the air and pride of someone who knows what they want and that they are going to get it. She stood with her weight shifted squarely on one foot, much like that of an assertive Amazonian.

I prepared the words I was going to say like a wizard prepares a scroll. I approached her and asked if I could help her. She rated my alignment before informing me that she wanted to know a little about our office/services and that she had recently been in a car accident. The damage that she had taken from the offending seat belt had left her in a rather dubious state for the conflicts that she faced on a daily basis. She required the help of the healer that I assisted three times a week.

I have worked with the healers in this office for quite some time and have never seen her before. Most of our patients wave to us from the doorway as they hold themselves up on the island next to the entrance. Many of them have suffered egregious wounds at the hands of their character classes. We usually assist our wounded soldiers upon entering the office.

I tried the hide the knowing smile that I’m sure crossed my face. I knew how to dispatch this villain quickly. I drew one of the prepared songs that I kept nearest the front of my tongue.

“Ma’am, I’m so sorry to hear about your recent accident. Have you been to see a doctor?”

I wasn’t surprised by the smile that this woman greeted my question with.

“Yes, I have spoken with Dr. [H.I.P.A.A.]. He told me that I have whiplash. I was really just wondering if you work directly with the insurance of the punk that hit me or what?”

I didn’t even try to hide the grin that smeared itself across my face. I knew I had feinted properly and that she had failed her saving throw for my spell. She only wanted the gold of the “punk” that had offended her. She wasn’t interested in getting better, but in teaching a lesson, a lesson that she had no right to teach. Luckily, I was prepared; I would help my fellow “punk” from being wounded more than he had already been. I began my song and watched her mouth fall open.

“I am unable to answer your insurance questions. To learn more about that you need to call over to our corporate office. I should also tell you, in order for us see you as a patient you need to get a prescription from your doctor. I can’t understand why your doctor wouldn’t have given you one already if you are in as much pain as you say your are.”

I can only imagine that our Amazonian heroine would have been the type of patient that would have continued to complain of pain long after a person twice as fragile as she would have been healed.

PS. No, I do not have intentions of being a healer myself, but more of a bard.

PPS. Also, DnD needs to find a new name for the bard character class. Give it a name that is befitting of the class. I prefer artist.

People that Hate Children & Movies

I often wish I could make up stories as interesting as the ones that happen in real life. Let’s just say, I can’t! I am nowhere near creative enough to make up the stories that really happen to me. (Now if only I could write them down and make some money off of them.) This is one such story, that I have waited entirely to long to share.

About 3 weeks ago, I was invited to watch Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince at Hollywood Blvd, a movie theatre where they serve food and drinks inside the theatre. (For those of you that have never experienced this, it’s terrible food and the waiters try to talk to you during the movie. Save your money.) After entering the theatre we chose a table near the screen and ordered our food and a pitcher of margaritas for the table. (No, I don’t normally drink “sissy” drinks but, there were woman at the table and that is what they wanted.)

Most of the movie passed without much fanfare. Let’s just say that I am not a Harry Potter fan and the only reason I went was because of a promise that beautiful, single nerd women would be present. (Let’s just say that only the adjective “nerd” applied to these girls. They were neither beautiful nor single.)

With but 15 to 20 minutes left in the movie things began to get interesting. A man in the front row rose from his seat and proceeded to move along the aisle, swaying violently. (Obviously, the waiter/waitress was unable to tell that he was the only one at the table drinking from the 4 pitchers of beer that the table had acquired.) Upon reaching my table our drunken friend turned, sliding past the young lady sitting next to me. He came to rest in the small place next to me and unzipped his fly. (This is all true.)

I was flabbergasted. Even during my own drunken binges in college I have always been able to make it to the bathroom on time for any urges I have. How are people able to get so drunk IN PUBLIC that you think a table where people are sitting looks exactly like a toilet? What would have happened had a small child been sitting there?

I tried to stop him. I tapped his chest and in a hushed voice so as not to interrupt the rest of the movie goers I informed him that this was not a bathroom and that the bathroom was not inside the movie theatre. This was a mistake. For upon hearing me, he turned, cock in hand, to look quizzically at me. I nearly had my first golden shower, and in a movie theatre no less. I raised my voice louder explaining that he could not pee here, but to no avail.

Luckily my pleas did not fall on deaf ears and his girlfriend/wife saved me from wearing his processed Budweiser. She grabbed him by the arm and dragged him back to their table, his dick still in hand. And, this is where the story turns sad. Moments later the group rose from the table and proceeded to leave. The mother hauling her drunken, asshole of a lover and her 7 to 8 year-old child out of the theatre. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was ruined that night for one little fan.

WAY TO BE A ROLE MODEL TO A CHILD, DOUCHE BAG!!!

Thus, Harry Potter became a little more awesome for me and a little more depressing all at the same time. I felt bad for the child. I know that this will weigh heavily upon him, knowing that someone he looks up to could not control himself in public, and he had to miss the end of the movie because of it. I, however, now have a new story I am trying to find a way to work into a script. I hope that woman wises up and dumps the shit-head for being a fuck up.